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Robert Inhuman, about Swill's "Feel Alive" session...
This is an alternate improvised version of the "I Wanted To Feel Alive" track I recorded for the unfinished Realicide album in 2007. You can subtly hear my voice behind Swill's throughout the piece.
"I Wanted To Feel Alive" is a song we developed gradually after the death of a kid in the suburbs of Cincinnati, early 2005. It was a suicide that they blamed partly on a reaction to some kind of anti-depressant medication his parents had him on; a popular way of dealing with kids' problems in the neighborhood he lived in. You know on TV commercials for anti-depressants, at the end when they say things like "tell your doctor if you have escalating thoughts of suicide"? Harold is only one of a mass grave of kids who ended up the way he did. We all really took the situation to heart, not because we were close with him, but just cos we have a dedicated interest in trying to help kids out of the morbid scenarios they've been born into. I think Swill had a slightly more "close to home" reaction because he had lived out in that same suburb basically. We met Swill out there when he was about 15, and I'm not exactly sure would've happened to him or us is he hadn't joined up with us and simultaneously broken away from the environment that he'd initially been offered by that suburban hell.
In the background I've inserted a few clips from drug advertisements; mainly just promises of being able to conquer depression and all the side effects that are very much the gamble of the medication, including the risk of suicide. Toward the end, a medley of reports about fatal school shootings and the medications the shooters were taking fades in from Fox News, ending of course with a summary of the Columbine shootings. Lyrically, this track is completely improvised, separate in lyrics from the other more composed version of the song for "The Shit Punx Hate" album. I think it's pretty clear in his tone what's going on. It's a very "That could've been me." tone...
lyrics
...and they'd say, if they could ask you,
"Did you really wanna die?" Fuck no, I wanted to feel alive!
They’d say "Did you really wanna die?"
Fuck no - I wanted to feel alive... Just a slow agonizing DEATH.
Comatose. Unaware. Trapped inside your body!
Trapped in side the hospital! Trapped inside those people who will never know you!
To die in a place so alien to me! I just can’t understand - so many dead on a sterile bed.
And when you die they’ll just clean it off and let another person die in the same bed.
Tied up to machines... I just wanted to feel alive...
So many people... so many people will say that it’s crazy...
It’s just something we can all relate to.
Did you really wanna die? Fuck no, I just wanted to FEEL ALIVE!
I just wanted to HAVE CONTROL! I just wanted to take hold of SOMETHING!
Everything forced upon us. Everything forced into you.
The medicine... All that medicine that never does shit!
And though they’d try to call you crazy. I’m sure they’d call it crazy.
I’m sure they’d always call it crazy. It's jus something I can feel as well
But there must’ve been a better way out of this...
Just waiting, just waiting, waiting, waiting wondering if you’ll die!
Wondering if you want to! Wondering if you have to! Wondering if its better!
Will it be better somewhere else? Wherever that might be...
Just another grave that no one comes to visit.
Just another name that everyone forgets.
Just another moment that everyone regrets they had to share! Well no one cares.
And I stood there in that line.
I wondered if their tears were real, or if they just felt fear for their own selfish selves?
You wonder if anyone would care...
Just another name, another name that I didn’t choose!
On my grave that I didn’t want! Buried in the ground...
Taking up more space than I did when I was alive...
Dying as a lie; a testimony to all this bullshit!
Just another pile. Another fiend for worth.
Just another glorification of just my body... I’m not that body!!! You’re not that body!!!
And I stood there in that line. I watched them all cry.
And then I watched them laugh an hour later as before.
Didn’t really feel like anything to them... Does it really feel like anything to anyone?
And I think of all the kids that I’ve heard doing the same thing in the same neighborhood
and no one gives a shit and no one does a shit about it - no one gives a shit about them!
Just another kid. Just another case.
Just another number. Another bad memory they have to erase
A product of suburbia. A product of dementia.
A product of the same old shit. A product of repetition...
You crashed into that window! And you gave them a taste of what they fear!
And I know they call it crazy! And I know they’d call us crazy!
But anyone can relate! Deep down inside! Everything they try to hide! Exposed...
Everyone’s so fragile. And everyone’s afraid.
Everyone thinks out there that everyone’s got it made.
But all those kids, just suffering inside.
Sleeping on their comfortable beds. Just living out a lie!
That their parents gave to them. That their country gave to them
Aren’t they happy aren’t they happy aren’t they happy? No they’re fucking not!
Because they lack anything real! Anything that’s real! And they know it!!!
Sterile - sterile just like that hospital!
Another card house dealt. Another thing they’ve built.
Another card house built. For those people. For those graves.
For those walking graves! Those living graves!
supported by 10 fans who also own “I WANTED TO FEEL ALIVE (SWILL mix)”
Girl Talk for people that think GT is as spicy as a bowl of water. Brutal beats. Worth it. If you liked Alec Empire’s The Destroyer this is the follow up album you’ve been waiting for. Wormgarden
supported by 7 fans who also own “I WANTED TO FEEL ALIVE (SWILL mix)”
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